Rebecca Hadjiloucas ’11
Last week, the House Un-Uncle Sam Committee began conducting its hearings regarding Canadian infiltration. The hearings will investigate the possibility of a conspiracy to garner American acceptance and association with Canadianism, through mediums such as film, music, and comedy. Committee chairman, Art Vandelay claims certain members of the entertainment industry, including Dan Aykroyd, Donald Sutherland, and Neil Young, have acted as Canadian sympathizers and propagandists.
The Committee also hopes the investigation will shed light on the hitherto unanswered question, how did the Canadians surpass our maple-syrup making abilities? Had upper-echelon members of the syrup business sold the original Vermont recipe to Canada? Regardless, this “maple-syrup gap,” has contributed to rising tensions between American and Canadian syrup manufacturers, creating a maple syrup race. Syrup production has been brought to the brink of aggression, as both American and Canadian manufacturers have resorted to drastic measures, including the addition of garlic, cayenne pepper, even habenero chilies to the ingredient arsenal, all in hopes of creating the strongest maple syrup.
Early in the investigation, Russel Dalrymple, a fellow traveler, named the name of a probable double agent, who may have been involved in the Canadian conspiracy. The accused Lloyd Braun has since been taken under arrest, as Dalrymple led government officials to Braun’s maple farm, where he unearthed 5 rolls of 35 mm film, now know as the “maple papers.” The papers contained State Department documents pertaining to U.S./Canadian relations and photographs of Braun dressed in full Mountie garb at an Alanis Morissette concert.
In these trying times, we must take no solace in the comfort of our communities. In your city, on your street, perhaps even in the home next door, their lives a Canadian. And at any time they may strike, in any place, into the beating heart of the American way of life. Trust none; fear all, for they lurk like the ever-elusive Sasquatch, in penumbral stealth.